You are standing alone at the top of a football stand. The auditorium is in darkness – and the lone spotlight is fixed only on you. Silence. There is a sea of faces staring up at you. Hundreds of people in the audience are waiting for you to speak.
And you freeze.
The silence stretches out.
You only have 3 lines. And you cannot think of a single word to say.
The shame. The utter humilitation.
That was me. 15 years old, in a school play. And I have secretly carried it with me like a badge of failure ever since.
I’ve never told anyone this before (why would you?!). But this is the problem with shame. It makes you write stories for yourself that aren’t true – but they become your truth, because you believe them.
My inner story was that I was incapable of standing up in front of people. I’d proved I couldn’t talk to an audience, because I’d freeze. Public speaking was just not for me.
And indeed, this played itself out in my adult life.
When I completed my ILM qualifications 4 years ago, I was asked to speak at the graduation ceremony. I worked on what I’d say but was unable to address my teenage shame. I got back on that stage and – although I didn’t freeze exactly – my mind went utterly blank. I waffled on vaguely for a few mintutes & hurridly scuttled off the stage. The thought of it now makes me cringe.
The story I told myself deepened. Once again, I’d proven that I was not capable of this.
To the point where a 60-second intro at networking would instantly send my heart racing & palms sweating.
So why am I telling you this?
Because last week, I spoke at a big event in central London.
It was held by the amazing Lisa Johnson (who I admire SO much!) – an inspiration day for female entrepreneurs, to raise funds for Bullying UK.
Lisa had seen one of my videos on social media & invited me to speak.
I did not tell Lisa this was my first ‘proper’ public speaking gig. I did not tell her that, although I’m utterly confident on video, I was not capable of speaking on stage without freezing.
I just said yes.
And then spent the weeks leading up to the event feeling like a complete & utter fraud.
The other speakers Lisa had lined up were incredible. People I truly admire, like Shaa Wasmund MBE. How the hell could I possibly consider myself good enough to stand up next to them, with my shameful, failure-ridden past?
In truth, I have no idea what made me say yes. All I know is that I admire Lisa. I wanted her to think well of me (bizarre, I know!). I knew it was a huge opportunity to get more visible, build my personal brand & connect with a new audience, who I might be able to help & add value for (even in a tiny way).
I got to work on my talk, about finding the confidence to put yourself out there. Sharing my journey to becoming more visible over the last year, and the amazing opportunities that come when you stop hiding away.
I studied books & videos (highly recommend Chris Anderson’s book, “TED Talks: The Offical TED Guide to Public Speaking” by the way!).
But the shame, fear & feeling like a fraud still kept me awake at night.
It was getting closer. And I HAD to start telling myself a new story.
So one morning, I took my phone out & wrote everything down that I believed. And then beneath each point, I wrote a new story.
- I don’t really believe I can do this.
- I CAN DO THIS.
- I will freeze on stage.
- I WILL BE FINE – IF I LOSE MY PLACE, I WILL JUST TAKE A BREATH AND BE HONEST.
- My talk will be the worst of the day.
- PEOPLE WILL LOVE MY CONFIDENT & VALUABLE TALK.
- The other speakers are all way better than me.
- WHAT I HAVE TO SHARE WILL RESONATE WITH PEOPLE IN A DIFFERENT & VALUABLE WAY.
- The other speakers will disagree with my point of view in their talks.
- ONLY I CAN HAVE MY POINT OF VIEW. IT’S FINE IF OTHER PEOPLE DISAGREE. IT DOES NOT CHANGE WHAT IS TRUE FOR ME + WHAT I KNOW CAN HELP OTHERS.
- People will get bored & play with their phones.
- I WILL SHOW UP, ADD VALUE & DO WHAT I CAN TO HELP PEOPLE. I AM NOT REPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE’S ACTIONS BUT MY OWN.
You get the drift! But this is exactly what I wrote, on my phone.
Then I read it, over & over. Every time I waited for the kettle to boil. Every time I waited to let the dogs back in. Every few hours, over a few weeks.
And here’s the thing…
It worked.
The microphone was shaking as I walked onto that stage in London. But my mind stayed focused. And after the first few minutes, something incredible happened.
I was actually enjoying public speaking.
Maybe even good at it.
It felt amazing.
My talk 100% was NOT perfect (loads of lessons learnt!). We weren’t using slides & I clung onto my prompt cards like little life rafts. And the people who thought I was crap probably wouldn’t say so anyway.
But afterwards, people started thanking me. Telling me what had resonated with them. Repeating back to me the points that had stuck with them. Saying how it had helped them & inspired them. It carried on, on social media. And even now, a week on, I’m still getting messages from people I’ve never spoken to before, about the inspiration they took from my words.
My words. It makes me feel stupidly proud.
If you know me, you’ll know I’m not into ‘woo-woo’ at all. This whole ‘writing down how you feel’ thing is new & not something I would ever have entertained previously.
And I’m not telling you all this to brag about how super amazingly wonderful I am on stage – but in the hope that if YOU are telling yourself stories that hold you back too, it might help.
I’ve still got a LOT of work to do. Other unhelpful stories I tell myself include:
- Money is stressful
- You have to work hard & leave your family to make money
- I’ve made bad decisions in the past
- My audience isn’t growing fast enough
- I don’t deserve some things that other people have
etc etc etc.
Our stories come from everywhere – growing up in a household where money was tight & seeing your parents struggle. The things your teachers told you, about what you can & can’t do. Being bullied. Being in relationships that made you feel you weren’t enough, weren’t good enough or somehow weren’t worthy.
I didn’t even know I had written these stories for myself. But I had. And the truth is that you can get your phone out RIGHT NOW & start re-writing the stories you tell yourself too.
It works. Promise.
Anyway!
So far, I’ve been invited & confirmed to speak at 3 more events this year. I can’t bloody wait. My goal is 8 speaking gigs this year. And if you’d told me this even just 12 months ago, I’d have thought you were mad.
I’m utterly determined to never let the stories I tell myself hold me back again.
And if any of this resonates with you, I’d love to hear from you. Here’s where we can connect on LinkedIn – and here’s where I mainly hang out on Facebook, in our group called The Copywriting Project.
This blog feels rather self-centred this week. But thank you for reading. It’s been pretty cathartic to share it with you & get it all out.
Here’s to new stories – and HUGE success for us both in 2019!
Laura
Tell My Story 